Are you reading Simon Cowell?

I wrote a song last year for Mrs McMuck and played it at our wedding. Unfortunately it wasn't captured in full on video and posted on YouTube, thus depriving me of the opportunity to earn millions of virtual Internet dollars.

But the guests at the wedding seemed to like it. And Mrs McMuck certainly did.

So if Simon Cowell is reading, fuck off.

For anyone else out there, here's how it went...

I traded a wish

For an old fashioned kiss

In the dim moonlight

Till sunrise in her eyes

I gave her a glance

Said that I couldn't dance

Yet she took my hand

I held tight, we took flight

++++++++++

Table for two

How about me and you go down

To the best place for the

Next phase of these crazy day

These crazy days

++++++++++

We said our farewells

But you'd long cast your spell

Waved your wand at me

Alakazam

So I held up a light

Saw your eyes shine so bright

In the dim moonlight

I saw sunrise in your eyes

++++++++++

Table for two

How about me and you go down

To the best place for the

Next phase of these crazy days

These crazy days

Out of the blue

How about me and you take off

Oh, we'll find a place

Where we can chase

These crazy days

These crazy days

JU-FUCKING-VENTUS

90 minutes away from playing Ju-fucking-ventus in the Europa League!

Flipping heck.

A poem about wantingness

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

WAAAAAA

It's Definitely Time For Bed When...

Dolce Vita Africana
The Last Mitterrand
True CSI
True Blood
Top Gear
Brotherhood
Pure Music
See Hear
The British Family: Our History
Nightwatch with Steve Scott: Crime
This Week's 4Music Top 20
Scrubs
How I Met Your Mother
Road Wars
Brainiac: Science Abuse
Undercover Princesses
Canoe Man
Engineering Ancient Egypt
Cliffhanger
Blackadder Goes Forth
Sherlock Holmes: The Eligible Bachelor
Would I Lie to You?
Law and Order: SVU
Canada's Next Top Model
CSI
NCIS
Two and a Half Men
Sex and the City
Roulette Nation Live
Unstoppable
Party People
Temptations
Deadwood
South Park
Bouncers
Facing Window
Daiziel and Pascoe
Time Team
Heroes of Comedy: Tony Hancock
BBC News
News on the Hour
EuroNews
Asia Squawk Box
World Business Today
BBC World News
The Trade with Haslinda Amin
The FBI Files
A Place by the Sea
Monster Moves
The First World War
The Wild Horse Redemption
Deadliest Catch
Ice Patrol
Pet Chimp Attack
Extreme Trains
Michael J Fox
Bachelor Party
Death Race*
Wild Child*
Unbreakable*
Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines*
Magnolia*
Tina: What's Love Got to Do with It?*
I Could Never Be Your Woman?*
The Haunting in Conneticut*
Cinema Extreme
Better Things
Women In Love
Stella
Boots 'n' All
Cage Fighting: Ultimate Challenge
Champions Tour Golf
Max Power
Off The Ball*
Live: UFC Fight Night 21
Through The Night
UFC - The Ultimate Fighter
Live NHL: Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh
Racing Replay*
At the Races Stateside
Greg the Bunny
Channel Off Air
Eurosport2 News
Wednesday Night @ The Red Cafe*
Wildest TV Show Moments
F Floor
Airline
Crime Scene USA: Body of Evidence
Fashion Essentials
How Clean is Your House?
Carnage
Most Shocking Under the Influence
Car Booty
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
My Spy Family
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air
Channel Off Air*
Channel Off Air*
Channel Off Air*
Chop Socky Chooks
Ed, Edd 'n' Eddy
Jackass
Gonzo Loves...
Non-Stop Hits
The Base Chart Show
MTV Club X
Nonstop Shuffle
Non-Stop Classics
South Park
Two and a Half Men
Non Stop Hit Music!
Chartbusters
Moonlight Magic
Proper Music Hits
Rock Rampage
Hit40UK
Kiss by Night
Independent Media
Film Star*
EWTN Live
Patricia King's Upgraded Conference
Questions a la une
EuroNews
EuroNews
EuroNews
EuroNews
EuroNews
Television X*
Adult Channel*
Playboy TV*
Channel Off Air
Info TV


... you have 139 channels and fuck all on the telly


*Not subscribed
(Bold) - Watchable, but I've seen them before

All in all

Grogans is a great pub for people-watching. Sitting outside last Tuesday, supping one of the finest pints of Guinness ever, Mrs McMuck quaffing Bulmers, all sorts walked by.

Business folk in business suits brushed shoulders with the last of those fucking Celtic Tigers - men and women of a certain age whose daddies' credit cards could still withstand another bruising encounter with the Brown Thomas chip n pin machine.

Then there was one skinny fella. Huge sunglasses with bright white rims. Hair like Buddy Holly. Drainpipe trousers and a shiny jacket. And he walked by twice in case we didn't notice him the first time.

Your Honour, I only kicked the shit out of him because he looked like a complete cunt.

Further drinks were had in the Market Bar (Guinness was still good) and the ultra-chic 'No Name' (Paulaner. Sinking into a couch no less).

As talks began over what to eat and where, the phone rang with the offer of tickets to go see the premier of 'Kick Ass'. Someone knew someone who knew someone who could get us in, so thoughts of food were parked and we went up to Cineworld.

Now to put on my Radge movie reviewer hat.

Let me see... an 11-year-old girl (it's okay, she's 13 in real life) chopping off a leg with a machette, stabbing and shooting bad guys, getting punched around by an evil drug baron, liberal spillages of blood and a ridiculously high kill count.

All in all a cerebral feast that left no room for desert.

Quite a long sentence

Myself and Mrs McMuck have engineered a fiendishly cunning plan, the outcome of said scheme being that we both have the same day off (Tuesday), whereuponwhence we shall venture into town and empty out our wallets, purses and pockets in some of the capital's finest Guinness and girly drink dispensaries for as long as our wallets, purses and pockets allow, or until Guinness-fatigue, or even worse, Guinness-ass kicks in, forcing a hasty retreat.

Super Keeper

I haven't blogged in a while as I haven't had the gnerf to do so. However today I feel the compunction to announce that I have introduced a significant amount of cheese into my daily diet.

And I had the ridiculously amazing honour of conceding a goal to Paul McGrath on Sunday.